'feel free to go ahead and make yourself right at home."

hi. it's me, pin.

this morning, i began to dream again.

Yesterday I did something huge. Instead of rushing home after Pin's helmet fitting appointment (2nd time around, folks) to give her a much needed nap, I went to the mall instead. This was NO small decision. I waited in the running car for a few minutes weighing all the options in my head. I called Jeremy crying and asked him if that was ok. Then, I did it. I decided to break the fear that I have let myself live in. I took my child out while she was sleeping.

"Ok, I'll ONLY go to Williams-Sonoma to get that shower gift I need and then go home," I told myself. But then I remembered that Zara had a sale. And Zara is on the OTHER end of the mall. And I LOVE Zara. So, I walked (almost ran) to Zara. Pin still slept. I rode the elevator to the kids section and could literally feel my heart beating fast. It was between the graphic tees and the marked-down swimsuit section that I realized, it's not about me. I can't change her. You would think I have learned this lesson by now, but I haven't. I had to re-learn it again, thankfully this time in Zara (Dear Lord- maybe the next time you have me learn this lesson again I can be in a boat on Lake Como? Thanks! Amen).

So, I decided to relax, enjoy the beautiful weather and walk normally around the mall like ALL the other moms that I passed while running. Zara became Anthropologie which is next to Restoration Hardware that lead to a venti unsweetened black iced tea. WHAT!!!  Now I'm feeling guilty (just kidding). Pin woke up right after Janie and Jack and before Gap and J.Crew. I fed her a bottle and THEN went to Williams-Sonoma. I strolled back to the car feeling proud and accomplished.

Later that day, I remembered the words of a man I met who was working with Armenians from Armenia. "The problem with Armenia today," he said, "is that the people don't know how to dream. Under Soviet control, they were ruled and oppressed but today, as free people, they still choose to live that way. As little children, they were never taught to dream bigger than the life they were living. Because of this belief, they lack creativity, innovation nor can they dream a different exsistence for themselves, for their country."

Then, it hit me this morning... Because I walked yesterday, I can dream today. I will not choose fear over faith. I can't. It effects me, my marriage, my daughter and our future.

During Pin's nap I opened our safe and got out my "favorite's folder" filled with bathroom ideas, house plans and inspiring spaces (I have no clue why it is in the safe). I sat and dreamed living a life different than the one today:

A small, thoughtful home in Southern California with a garage door in the family room where Pin can ride her roller skates in and out of the house. A kitchen with a huge farm table and lots of fruits and vegetables. A mud room and a garage filled with more bikes than family members. A community garden close by and nice neighbors to help tend it.

So, who wants to come over and pick lemons from my tree?

love you all.
S.

i cried. jer clapped.

Yesterday, Jer and I both witnessed Pinny roll from her back to her tummy for the first time. We are thrilled for this lil' milestone!

Thanks for praying for her. We are blessed.

out of chaos life is being found in you.

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust

overnight at hospital.

Last night's stay at the hospital was rough. Not in a "hard news" way but just plain old tiring. We shared a room with a girl two months younger than Pin who slept ALL day and cried ALL night. The poor girl had seizures and spasms (like Pin) but was fairing far, far worse. Her body didn't respond well to the anti-spasm medicine, that has thankfully worked for Pin, and she is now on one that makes her really swollen. I have never seen anything like it....she looked so uncomfortable. I felt so sorry for her and yet SO grateful that the Lord sparred us from that route.

In May, when Jeremy and I were given the news that Pin's seizures had evolved into spasms we were devastated, shocked, discouraged and heart-broken. We were then told the two treatment options used, their side-effects and that we had 10 minutes to decide. We stopped, prayed and felt peace about the option we chose. We still feel peace and such gratitude to the Lord for His guidance.

Yesterday morning, Pin was "hooked up" to the EEG and stayed that way until 7:00 this morning. She is such a good little patient but is definitely becoming more opinionated as she gets older. Last night, she was fascinated by all the cords and I found it disgusting that she kept trying to put them in her mouth.The hospital is dirtier than any hotel I have ever stayed in....

Her neurologist visited us several times yesterday and gave us great news. Pin's brainwaves are much improved since her last EEG (July 5). Her brain activity is still abnormal but overall looks really good. We do not need to add another medication and are considering reducing her current spasm medicine a bit. We are very grateful.

As always, thanks for praying and loving us so kindly-
Xoxo.
Steph