Yesterday I did something huge. Instead of rushing home after Pin's helmet fitting appointment (2nd time around, folks) to give her a much needed nap, I went to the mall instead. This was NO small decision. I waited in the running car for a few minutes weighing all the options in my head. I called Jeremy crying and asked him if that was ok. Then, I did it. I decided to break the fear that I have let myself live in. I took my child out while she was sleeping.
"Ok, I'll ONLY go to Williams-Sonoma to get that shower gift I need and then go home," I told myself. But then I remembered that Zara had a sale. And Zara is on the OTHER end of the mall. And I LOVE Zara. So, I walked (almost ran) to Zara. Pin still slept. I rode the elevator to the kids section and could literally feel my heart beating fast. It was between the graphic tees and the marked-down swimsuit section that I realized, it's not about me. I can't change her. You would think I have learned this lesson by now, but I haven't. I had to re-learn it again, thankfully this time in Zara (Dear Lord- maybe the next time you have me learn this lesson again I can be in a boat on Lake Como? Thanks! Amen).
So, I decided to relax, enjoy the beautiful weather and walk normally around the mall like ALL the other moms that I passed while running. Zara became Anthropologie which is next to Restoration Hardware that lead to a venti unsweetened black iced tea. WHAT!!! Now I'm feeling guilty (just kidding). Pin woke up right after Janie and Jack and before Gap and J.Crew. I fed her a bottle and THEN went to Williams-Sonoma. I strolled back to the car feeling proud and accomplished.
Later that day, I remembered the words of a man I met who was working with Armenians from Armenia. "The problem with Armenia today," he said, "is that the people don't know how to dream. Under Soviet control, they were ruled and oppressed but today, as free people, they still choose to live that way. As little children, they were never taught to dream bigger than the life they were living. Because of this belief, they lack creativity, innovation nor can they dream a different exsistence for themselves, for their country."
Then, it hit me this morning... Because I walked yesterday, I can dream today. I will not choose fear over faith. I can't. It effects me, my marriage, my daughter and our future.
During Pin's nap I opened our safe and got out my "favorite's folder" filled with bathroom ideas, house plans and inspiring spaces (I have no clue why it is in the safe). I sat and dreamed living a life different than the one today:
A small, thoughtful home in Southern California with a garage door in the family room where Pin can ride her roller skates in and out of the house. A kitchen with a huge farm table and lots of fruits and vegetables. A mud room and a garage filled with more bikes than family members. A community garden close by and nice neighbors to help tend it.
So, who wants to come over and pick lemons from my tree?
love you all.